Let life in.
I hated science at school. I was a. rubbish at it, and b. utterly uninterested. I also disliked my science teachers, the teachers of the aforementioned dreaded subject. One science teacher I not only disliked because she tried to educate me on the periodic table, (I’m literally out of scientific stuff to list here, dammit), but I also disliked her because she had my number.
I found my school report from my final year the other day, and she wrote the following:
‘Jody ignores what she fears, hoping that it will go away. It won’t. Jody must learn to face her fears head on if she is to succeed’.
Oh Miss Murray, why didn’t I heed you at 15, the trouble that could have been avoided!
I am 26 now, and still the Queen of Mañana; if I’m worried about it, I’ll put it off until ‘tomorrow’, or indeed the day after, or preferably that day after that (from which point it will float as an ominous presence that I’m aware of, but never, ever make eye contact with).
But here we are (if there is nobody reading this, then actually here I am) and this can no longer be the case.
I met a guy in Morocco who told me he could tell me my future (by massaging my foot, but what have you), and he told me that (in a very indirect translation) my problem was that I didn’t let life in. That I say no too quickly. That I will shy away from situations that I don’t feel comfortable in.That I ignore what I fear.
So this blog is going to chart my progress acting before I can think myself out of things. Perhaps also a place to put some order to all the things that I want to do, and perhaps some general nonsense.
My first actions in my new life of fronting my demons:
1. Go back to Toast Masters.
In a fit of proactivity, I joined a speaking club on the recommendation of a colleague, where I had the opportunity to attempt to face one of my most fearsome of fears, which is to speak in public. I went to the first class, where all I had to do was introduce myself, which as it became nearer and nearer to my turn became a bigger, and bigger deal, until finally, with a quivery little voice, I managed to say my name. I felt FURIOUS with inability and had a little cry when I got to work.
Class two I had to stand up, in the ‘table topic’ section, and speak about a subject that was announced seconds before the person’s name. I was paired with a lovely guy who, (literally) propped me up, fed me lines and helped me limp through a very, very long three minute talk. I had a bigger cry when I got to work, and queried my ability to be a person- but chin up.
Round three- I wasn’t chosen for a table topic, but worried so much that I would be that I spent the class in a state of trauma, and decided that I would have a little break from the classes to see whether I could figure out what was going on for myself.
But speaking groups, as with horses, need to be re-mounted if progress is to be made, and thus I am going back. On Thursday. I’ll document on here my progress.
2. I am going to start my musical website, which is going to grow into an empire, because someone who loves music as much as I do MUST work in music. That has to be how life works. I’ll link it here, obviously, as evidence of my willing.
3. I am going to say yes, a big bloody yes to 3 things that I would automatically say no to each week.
So, until soon.